3.17.2012

toothpaste

this evening, the subject was toothpaste. Papa provides purple toothpaste, while i provide blue though - for the record - mine is sparkly, so...you know. obviously i win this round.
yes i'm joking but it often feels that way. each time sam says "my house" and its obvious he's referring to my ex's place, anna's new propensity for crying 'i miss Papa' every time i put her on timeout or (horror of horrors) say "no". each of these, though i know better, results in a mental tally mark on the chalkboard in my heart.
my parents were really good at this. i am fond of saying, to therapists or coworkers or random single moms at the park, "my parents didn't offer much of an example for marriage, but they set a high bar for how to be divorced." i could count on one hand the times a disparaging comment about the other parent slipped out. christmases, birthdays - we all spend these times together, as a family. me, the kids, mom, dad, dad's wife. it still surprises me today when people find that odd.
and i gotta say we're doing pretty good. we all spend time together at least once a month - the kids, my guy, the ex and i. in fact i do from time to time grow concerned its a bit TOO cozy (do you really need to invite my boyfriend golfing? ask him to pick your bracket for you? come on...) but overall its been good for the kids. they don't feel the pull of duelling loyalties and i'm grateful for that.
but - i'm a child of divorce. i know how this works. you are happier in one place than you are in another and while, as an adult, you may realize you had it totally screwed up...it plagues me. not to the point that i ever wish them a bad time at their dad's - of course i don't - but deep down...i wish them a much better time at mine.
Here's the rub: that's never going to happen. i won't use this blog to disparage my ex's parenting skills, but in the interest of context...i'm the one that says 'no'. i'm the boundary setter and sole enforcer of the rules. as such, i get the lion's share of the fallout.
i find myself at this precipice...like i need to just accept that they will prefer their father, probably until the point at which they have children of their own and realize what parenting entails. and - don't get me wrong - he's a great father, and all that...yada yada yada. he loves them. he's just very very very very very...averse to confrontation (and, maybe a little bit, work, where parenting is concerned). they always get the toy, the candy, whatever. they have to approach burning down the house for any sort of punishment to be handed down. as such - he's fun. he's the fun guy.
and i find myself, stuck inside of moments, really really tempted to follow suit. i'm sure i spoil them more than i would if we were together already. i'm certain of it. its so tempting because in the back of my head there is always this little voice saying, more than anything, "i want them to remember how much fun they had here this week." its not a - its not cause i want them to go tell him that or anything. its not a petty thing. its...honestly, its probably a self-absorbed thing. i want them to have good memories of me.
and the thing about being the lone disciplinarian is that you have to do it MORE than you would otherwise. the first two days at my house are the worst, because they're just accustomed to getting away with everything and that's the mode they're in, so i'm like crazy scolding mama for minimum 48 hours. and i step outside of myself and see those moments and think "geez they must think it really sucks here."
i get it. i know that i have a job to do, and that that job is more important than their reaction to me telling them "no, you can't have McDonald's for dinner (again)". but damn if i don't resent never getting the opportunity to be the fun guy.
that's what i'm struggling to let go of, that resentment. striving for acceptance, once again.